For a while now I have felt a shift in myself, what I mean by this is, I’ve really started to analyse my life and look to my future a lot more. Since signing a record contract at the age of 16, life has been a massive rollercoaster. I’ve had my fair share of highs and lows in both my personal life and career.
Over the years, I’ve always found it difficult juggling both family and career, when one of them is soaring and in bliss the other one is a nightmare. It’s always been the same – the two aspects of my life have never been in sync.
The more time I have dedicated to my career, the less time I get to spend with my family. The more time with the family, less work comes through the door.
For me career wise, this year has been brilliant and exciting as I toured with Fat Friends the Musical and was mentored by an amazing woman who has so much passion not only for her play, but for us actors in it too. I got to explore so many different avenues as an actress with the character I played. It was an original show so there was no previous format for me to follow as an actress, which is quite rare with a musical. And with the guidance of Kay Mellor, she built my confidence up and I loved every minute of playing the role in the show.
The down side is that from October until June I was away from home either rehearsing or touring, working 6 days a week and having very limited time with my family. My children had to live between both parents houses, there would be times when I was home for the day and they weren’t there. It was heartbreaking and little did I realise the long term affect it was going to have on me.
Why do the job you might ask? And the answer is simple…. I am self employed, I have to take the work when it comes in and a contract that offers me months of guaranteed work was a safe option financially. But what I never envisioned was the long term impact it would have on my mental heath and emotional security – and the guilt I felt not being home with my children. I suppose there’s so many of us that carry a lot of guilt around when it comes to trying to balance work and family, but I feel that my work schedule is a lot of the time very adhoc, it’s all or nothing. As I’m getting older and my children are of an age that they need me around more than ever, moving forward with my job is something I am constantly thinking of and what it is I should do next.
I left school at 15 with 11 good GCSE’s , I went to college for about 4 months and then signed a record deal, so my education and learning stopped a long time ago.
Then a few years back I felt I wanted to learn and go back to college, I passed my level 2 & 3 in beauty and holistic therapies. I wanted to open a spa/ beauty salon, I placed 3 different offers on properties and they all fell through! Then I did Big Brother, and work kicked off again with the Kittens so I put all that on hold.
Now 3 years later, although I have those qualifications I want to immerse myself in something new, a total career change and the thought is quite frightening. What if I chose a course and I can’t keep up? What if I fail? What if, what if, what if…… I need to take a leaf out of my own book and remember all the things I say to my children when they are scared or unsure….. you can only try your best!
So what to do next?
I have enjoyed writing for this blog so much, all of my tails of life, the lessons I have learnt and still learning, writing it all down is so cathartic and it’s made me realise how much I enjoy blogging and it is something I can easily do alongside being a mother and it doesn’t take too much time away from the family too. So I am signing up to a few courses and hoping that this blog will start to make an impact and help others along the way too.